A lot of leaders I work with report feeling tired after their 1:1s.
There are a number of factors that contribute to this, but one of the most common is taking on almost all of the conversational work. The responsibility that comes with leading a team can make it easy to mistake effort for results, and 1:1s are where a lot of this efforting takes place.
This looks like asking all the questions, interpreting every situation, finding solutions, offering advice, and holding all the weight.
Picture a 1:1 with a large exercise ball sitting between the two people. As the conversation begins, the leader picks it up. The ball is big enough that it’s hard to see around, so they awkwardly try to maneuver it while talking. The leader holds it for about 80% of the conversation—which correlates to how much time they spend speaking. After 30 minutes, they put it down and leave wondering why they feel so exhausted.
The Ball of Responsibility
Claire Pedrick calls this The Ball of Responsibility, and it’s a useful way for leaders to reflect on where they might be taking on too much in conversations.
It’s hard to see at first because it feels like a natural part of leadership. We want to make sure our people are doing good work and delivering results, so we take on that burden for them. After all, isn’t that what leadership is about?
Yes and no. For good work and positive results to happen, responsibility needs to be shared. If leaders take on all of it, they create a vacuum of agency for their team in the near term and ensure dependency and compliance over time. If you’ve ever wondered why your team keeps coming to you for answers rather than developing their own, you’ve probably been holding the ball too much.
Now picture that 1:1 again, but this time the ball is sitting on the floor between the leader and their direct report. The responsibility is still there, clearly visible, but neither person is carrying it alone. It can move between them as the conversation needs.
For example?
What does this look like in practice? A familiar theme in 1:1s is interpersonal conflict:
Holding the ball: “Alex and I keep butting heads on the technical approach. Every meeting turns into an argument.” The leader picks up the ball, already problem-solving. “This is slowing you both down. Let me talk to Alex and get his perspective, then I’ll meet with both of you separately and figure out a path forward. I’ll set something up for next week.” The conflict gets resolved, but the direct report hasn’t learned how to navigate disagreement.
Shared responsibility: “Alex and I aren’t aligned on the approach.” The leader resists the urge to mediate. “What have you already tried?” They listen as the direct report explains. “What would a productive conversation between you two look like? What would need to be different from how it’s been going?” The leader might offer coaching on how to have the conversation, but they’re not stepping in to have it for them.
Or maybe when someone is avoiding a difficult conversation:
Holding the ball: “I’m concerned about Sarah’s work—the quality has been really inconsistent lately.” The leader immediately reaches for the ball. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her about it. I’ve been meaning to check in with her anyway. Let me handle this one.” The direct report feels relieved in the moment but doesn’t develop the skill to address performance issues on their own team.
Shared responsibility: “I’m concerned about Sarah’s work.” The leader keeps the ball visible but does’t pick it up. “What conversation needs to happen here?” They explore together what specific feedback Sarah needs to hear and who’s best positioned to deliver it. “What support would help you have that conversation effectively?” The direct report might still feel nervous, but they’re building the muscle to handle these situations.
Try It Out
Over the next few weeks, when you head into your 1:1s, make the mental switch from “What problem can I solve for you today?” to “What needs to be discussed in order for you to feel able to move this forward?” You might be surprised how much energy you have left at the end of the day.
